"Thy will be done""It is well with my soul""So let the waters rise, if you want them to."
Worship music and I have a tenuous relationship lately. It seems, depending on the moment, to either be my biggest comfort or my biggest source of frustration. If we're being completely honest, I'll admit that I actually found myself saying out loud "NO, it is not fucking well with my soul!!!!!!!" in the car recently. To no one in particular. I know, I know. Not proud of that one, but that’s reality folks. There are moments when I genuinely find complete peace and healing through a song. When things are going so well and I praise Him for what he has blessed me with. And then there are the moments where the lyrics feels like a slap in the face. When bad things fall into your lap. When people you love are hurting or sick. When the answer you got is the one you never would have imagined much less prayed for. And it is the most frustrating feeling of all. You see, I want to feel peace with God's will, no matter the circumstances. I want to be able to genuinely praise His works and say that I trust in all of His plans. But sometimes it just feels too hard.Because every now and then, as they always do, the waters rise and I find myself drowning in this sea of confusion and heartbreak. It's simply a hard concept for me to grasp: the God who created me, who perfectly wrote my story and illustrated each and every page, who loves me deeper than I'll ever understand. This is the same God who intended for this day to happen? For this week to be so stressful? For that chid to die? For this shitty circumstance to be a part of my story? For that specific prayer, prayed fervently for weeks, to go unanswered? He supposedly could take all of my suffering away, if He chose to. All of the pain- gone in an instant. So why wouldn't He? I do recognize that as Christians we don't get whatever we want just because we pray for it or ask for it. We are broken people living in a horribly broken world. But I do tend to feel hurt by the way God has allowed circumstances into my life that result in suffering. That result in sickness. Pain. Worry. Fear. Doubt. How am I supposed to trust the same God that for some crazy reason CHOSE for me to go through that? On purpose!? Praising His name in the midst of the pain just feels so wrong.
Somehow, some way, I always make it through to the other side. The fog clears, the tears are dried, life goes on and suddenly the bigger picture is so clear. When I look back on past situations and reflect, I can always see how He was using such suffering to mold me. To change me. To make me a better person. A better friend. A more faithful christian. He removed me from that situation to prevent further damage. He left that prayer unanswered because there was something so much better up ahead. He used that painful experience to give me the ability to help someone else through their challenges. I can see looking back that He used all of it. Every single moment was used to perfectly prepare me for the future circumstances which he already holds in His hands.Tonight, I am choosing to be thankful. Thankful that I have the ability to retrospectively see where He orchestrated all things for good. Thankful that He has the ability to save me from my suffering. That He has the ability to mold my heart through terrible things here on earth. Thankful that He can heal every sick and broken person that I will ever worry about. Thankful for songs, bible verses, and fellow christians to remind me of all of these promises. And most of all, thankful that "it only takes a little faith to move a mountain". Because we will all reach the low point that I've reached tonight. We will all question his intent. His love. His "almighty plans". But the reality is that He never stops chasing after us. Even when we are pissed off, cursing His name in the car, and refusing to believe time after time after time that His plans are indeed good.
He created me.
He loves me.
He planned out my entire life.
And He knows exactly how betrayed I feel tonight as I write this from my couch. And the best part is that He loves me anyway.
He hasn't forgotten about us, friends. He has the ability to save us from anything. To reach through the fire. To work miracles. To answer every.single.prayer. But He also knows more about our world and our future than we can comprehend. He knows what is best for us.
So, Lord, on nights like tonight when it feels that you've given me far too much to handle on my own, when you've chosen to make these giant mountains unmovable, when you've overwhelmed me with the burdens of this life, when you've chosen a path that feels impossible to walk, please just "give me the strength to be able to sing it is well with my soul". I really do want to trust you.