The Middle

Hello friends,It's me! Reaching out from the middle. Everybody has a middle, you see, at some time or another. It's that space in between the beginning, filled with excitement and anticipation, and the happy ending, where we rejoice and celebrate. The middle is different. The middle is messy, confusing, wrought with pain.Paul Scanlon spoke at our church (Hillsong Phx) this morning about the middle. He titled his message "the agony of the divine delay". The agony of the divine delay, as he explains it, is the painful time "between tragedy striking and God intervening. It’s about the times in our lives when God seems absent, invisible, deaf, silent and indifferent to our pain and suffering"The middle, if you will.He touched on why it can be so hard to feel stuck in the middle, and what it means,as a christian ,to go through the middle, and what it means to support those who are going through their own middle. Some points worth emphasizing:

• More people walk away from church during the middle than during any other time of their life. It's hard to worship when you feel like God doesn't like you or that He's forgotten about you, when you feel sure that He has left your side. The reality is this: if your life was dusted for God's fingerprints, they would be everywhere; you just cant see them because they aren't in obvious places and they aren't where you are used to looking

• The trouble with being in the middle is that when you're in the middle, you don't know how big it is. You're promised that "better days are ahead" and "the best is yet to come", but when? Tomorrow? 10 years from now? When you're living in the middle its impossible to know when it will be over.

• "Come as you are" really means come as you are. It doesn't mean come as you are but please wear a mask. Or, come as you are but please don't talk about how God's forgotten about you. The reality is that even during biblical times, prophets were not afraid to speak out on the matter of feeling abandoned. Habbukuk says "God, how long do I have to cry out for help before you listen? How many times do I have to yell “Help! Murder! Police!” before you come to the rescue?Why do you force me to look at evil, stare trouble in the face day after day?

• It's much easier to be someone's friend and support system at the end of the fairy tale; during the happy ending. It's much easier to high-five, rejoice with each other, and laugh about how tough the middle was. Supporting someone in the midst of their middle means sitting down right next to them in their proverbial jail cell and seeking to understand how they feel. Comforting them during this time is about being present; not about fixing anything. Comfort says "I see you. I'm with you".

• It doesn't matter how slowly or closely to the ground you are crawling. You don't have to stand tall, strut your stuff. This is not a runway or a fashion show. Not right now. Not in the middle. It only matters that you keep moving.

Paul explained how, as Christians (and really as humans) we put on a "church mask" or even more realistically I'd argue, a "life mask". We walk with our heads held high, smiles on our face, trusting that no one wants to meet us in the middle. Believing that we must pretend to be in a whole different season for the sake of friendship and for the sake of those around us. Society tells us it's not acceptable to be the "debbie downer", the "buzz kill", or the "negative nancy". So we put our masks on and refuse to acknowledge the middle. And for me, certainly, it has felt important to wear the mask because everyone else's middle seemed so much worse than mine. While still feeling lost in the middle, I am acutely aware of those who's current circumstances are much more tragic than mine. Thus, the mask.Maybe you can relate to this from a time in your past. Do you remember in the midst of the middle, putting on the mask, trudging on, living as if you were already through the other side, already found your happy ending? Replying "good! how are you?" to every well-meaning greeting from friends?Maybe you're like me, and you've been wearing the mask so consistently for so long that you didn't even realize you were still in the middle. You worked so hard to convince the people around you that you were not in the middle that you actually believed it yourself. You became so sick of feeling broken and forgotten that instead of leaning into that feeling and dealing with it, you actually convinced yourself the middle was over. Only to someday, somehow, realize that without your mask on, you, too, are in the middle.

Friends, some of you may be in the middle now. You may remember these feelings from the past, and you're looking back from the happy ending point of view. Or maybe you have yet to relate to this. As a christian and as your friend, I want to promise you that I will walk through this season with you when it is your turn. I will not expect you to wear your mask; in fact I will ask you to please take it off.  I will not try to fix you or say anything to make you feel that you're broken. I will sit next to you in your jail cell and look at the world and at God from your point of view. I will love you, and I will say "I see you. I'm here". I will pray for you; not because there is anything wrong with you but because I know what it feels like to be in the middle. Keep your chin up, and keep moving. Even if it's a crawl, even if you're hardly dragging yourself across the floor. Just. Keep. Going. The best is yet to come

.Signed,

Sarah from the middle.  

***if this resonated with you at all, please consider checking out Paul's message here:  The Agony in the Divine Delay .    

Brave

"You are being really brave" A friend texted me this tonight. To be honest, my first thought was complete disagreement (with an accompanying eye roll of course) Me? Brave? No way. Not at all. You want for talk about being Brave? I, of all people, know what brave looks like. Brave is the 12 year old who pulled her little brother from the bottom of the pool, and tried relentlessly to save his life as she waited for paramedics to arrive. Brave is the teenage boy who, immediately after saying a final goodbye to his dying father, tearfully said, "im just so proud of him for fighting so hard." Brave is the young patient who decided to speak up after years of suffering serious physical abuse from his parents, even though that meant being taken to a strange, unfamiliar home. Brave is the mom in the PICU who uses her daughters tragic death to bring new hope to the staff and to bring glory to Gods name

Brave is the friend and peer who lost her mother unexpectedly, and immediately took over raising her younger brother, without giving herself time to truly grieve. Brave is my mom: electing to put herself through chemo to give herself a better chance of being at my wedding and meeting her future grandkids.

Maybe bravery is something else though, too. Maybe brave is also being the person who has to tell 2 terrified children that their mother will not make it through the night. (Even if you do have to do so while fighting back tears of your own) Maybe brave is being an advocate, at the risk of straining friendships, for those patients too little to have a voice of their own. (Even if you do question your actions and replay the conversation for days)

Maybe brave is also sitting next to your sister, bracing for impact, and watching her world fall apart as your mom shares the news of her cancer diagnosis. (Even if you do have multiple break downs leading up to that moment) Maybe brave is continuing to go to work everyday, putting on a smile, and utilizing my education and expertise to help other people's families get through their own adversity and tragedy. (Even if you do often cry on your way home from work, unable to separate their pain from yours) Maybe brave is experimenting with an array of new prescription medications, enrolling in a cardiac rehab program, and weekly IV infusions: all in order to maintain a false image to those around me that I am "normal" and "healthy". (Even if you do dread each appointment and wonder if you've made the right choice)Maybe brave is silently fighting a daily battle with anxiety, because you are too proud to tell anyone how you are feeling (even if you fail to recognize it most days) And maybe brave is sharing this with the whole world just in case it helps one single person. (Even if you are terrified to do so) 

So maybe bravery is different than I thought. Maybe it isn't the absence of fear, anxiety, tears, or struggle. Maybe it's the choice to keep living and to keep loving in spite all of those things. All I know is that if I've been brave at all, it's only been because of God's love and mercy, shown to me through people here on earth. The past year has, at some moments felt like a comical series of unfortunate events, and at others like an insurmountable combination of circumstances. I'm so thankful that God continues to pursue me when I don't pursue him, and that every time I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction(all too often lately) he just holds on even tighter. "There is a valley where shadows are covering everything I hold dear ; there in the darkness I hear you whispering "I am here"" The past year has sure felt like a valley for me, and I'm sure others can relate. Some days are amazing, but the shadows are still there. Some days are fun, carefree, and lighthearted, but the cloud cover always threatens to return. In the past year I have been diagnosed with and started treatment for 2 chronic illnesses, have felt (and denied) a resurgence of the symptoms of my childhood diagnosis of anxiety, have learned of and dealt with my mom's cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment, and have dealt with the physical and logistical ramifications of a serious car accident. (Just to name a few!)

Friends, if you are finding yourself in a valley of your own, if you are hunkering down under the shadows waiting for the clouds to part: know that it will get better. It has to. We have to believe that the best is yet to come. Please hang in there. Humble yourself and reach out to someone. Pray. Sing. Scream and cry. Roll the windows down and get some fresh air. Admit to yourself that you are struggling. Seek help. Be honest. And most of all, give yourself grace. Because you're being really, really brave. 

Still

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still"“Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today"

Stillness is something I struggle with. I think on some level we all do, in this crazy fast-paced world we live in. We are always striving: for more money, more friends, more popularity, more likes on Instagram. Every moment of what might otherwise be considered "downtime" is either filled with social media scrolling, email checking, voicemail listening and inevitably, thinking about the endless checklist of tasks that we should be doing.Even beyond the rat race of this life, though, stillness is a personal challenge. Stillness, in its truest form, brings out a scary level of vulnerability, a vivid self awareness, and opens the window for anxiety to sneak in. God calls us to be still while He fights our battles for us. To sit back and relax, fully trusting in his works and His ability to fight for our good. But something about the quietness and the emptiness of the moment is, in its own way, terrifying. If we keep up with the day-to-day, staying busy and occupied from dusk to dawn, the fears and anxieties somehow find themselves pushed further and further from our consciousness. So much so that we can even convince our own selves that they don't exist. A moment of stillness invites those fears in and offers them a home cooked meal and shelter for the evening. So we press on and on, living without recognition of those emotions

.Enter: vacation.

Something about being out in the woods or on the beach brings out the best in my relationship with stillness. Maybe it's the lack of internet and break from obsessive social media comparisons. Or maybe it's just that I'm observing the beauty of Gods creation in its most obvious and pure form. Whatever it is, It allows me to sit, truly still, and still feel some peace somehow. It allows me to feel intensely grateful for the beauty in front of me, and the friends walking beside me. It allows me to realize things about myself that I haven't previously recognized.Sitting here on this swing, only 2 hours from home but what feels like worlds away, I find a restored hope deep down inside of me. I find a renewed recognition that his promises are true, and that He will fight for me while I sit right here and focus on nothing but the beauty of the moment I'm living in. And best of all, I find a glimpse of the carefree, fun-loving girl I used to be. It feels good to know she's still in there somewhere.It's not easy, and I have to work at it, but if I can push past the intense fear of being still, the fear of what will invade my mind in the quietness of this moment, I can find a way to, through the dirt between my toes and the breeze in the trees, see clearly how incredibly beautiful His creation is. And that soon leads to the realization that I, too, am his beautiful creation and that He stands in awe of my life and His plans for it, just as I stand in awe of the beauty of these trees and the creatures that live in them. And if I stay still long enough to tune out the stressful noise of 21st century life, I might just be able to hear His calming voice instead.So, I appreciate this fleeting moment of stillness and the opportunity it provides to just hit "pause" on the rest of life. I take time to thank God for the beauty in front of me. I thank Him for the friends walking beside me, showing me His love every single day. I apologize for the number of times in recent months that I have so deeply questioned His goodness. And I thank Him for continuing to call out to me, even when I refuse to get quiet enough to listen.

Heading home, I'm incredibly thankful for this temporary "vacation" stress-free feeling and the rejuvenation it provides. Because its not the type of thing you can bottle up and take home with you. If only it was.So, stillness. I'm sorry for the way I've so forcefully pushed you away for so long until I didn't even realize I was doing it.

Until next time, Stillness.  I'll try to visit with you more often.  

FAITH over FEAR

Working really hard on making this more of a way of life, and less of a cliche saying. To be completely candid and humbly honest, I woke up early this morning after having a vivid nightmare. The horrible, earth-shattering kind of nightmare that I don't think I've had before- ever. The kind that wakes you up and shakes you at your core. The kind that shows you a fear so realistic and so present but one that you weren't actually aware of in your consciousness. And I think, in a way, it may have been God nudging me and proving a point. Like, "HEY GIRL! You say you've been trusting me and having faith and believing in the big picture but look at all of these real fears that you are harboring. Scary, messy fears. They've been here the whole time that you've been saying you trust me. You've been hiding them for no reason. Check yourself" 

Today's goals:

1. give up my fears. Recognize them, acknowledge them, admit they exist, and then LET THEM GO! This is not my battle to fight. These are not things for me to worry about, and harboring them deep inside is certainly not helping anything 

2. PRAY intentionally for these circumstances and fears to be removed, all while thanking God for his hand in all of this.  

3. (Hopefully) be filled with a peace that passes all understanding and 

4. Get more than 3 hours sleep for goodness sake

"Do not worry about anything. Instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. THEN you will experience God's peace..."