I’ve been thinking so much this week about life’s changes and unpredictability.
7 years ago this week, my sister moved to LA to pursue her dream career. I quickly felt lost without her.
4 years ago this week I graduated with my Bachelors degree - at the young age of 20.
3 years ago this week, I accepted my first child life job and was preparing to head to California- my first time moving away from Phoenix.
2 years ago this same week, I had my last day at that job before moving back “home” to Phoenix- even though it felt way too soon and incredibly conflicting.
I remember so many things about each of these weeks and the emotions that ran wild. As though it was just yesterday, I remember the way I cried as we pulled up to my sister's new LA apartment, because I didn't know how to live apart from her. I remember the feelings of immense gratitude and disbelief I had as I sat next to my 4 best friends waiting for our names to be called at convocation. We had been through so much in the previous 4 years and I was terrified to have to head into real life without them literally by my side each and every day. I remember my going away party before leaving for California early the next morning - as I ushered the last guest out of the door I cried in a way I hadn't ever before. I was excited, but more than that I was physically sick with fear. I remember giving myself a pep talk the next day and basically forcing myself to put the car in reverse and drive away. I remember the tight grip I had on the steering wheel and even remember turning on worship music and praying as I drove out of my parents' garage.And again, just one year later to the week, I remember crying in the same intense way and gripping the steering wheel just as I had the year before, as I backed out of the driveway of my beloved, cozy home in Orange. Through my tears, I waved to my second parents as I drove away, feeling eternally grateful for them, their home, and the way their love had shaped me that year. The night before, I had said goodbye to a ridiculously amazing talented group of people - my CHOC family - and I felt so conflicted, confused, and unsure of my decision. I "joke" now that I cried halfway back to Phoenix, but in all reality it was one of the hardest drives and few hours of my life. I didn't know it at the time, but these feelings would really only intensify once I had left the state.
When I moved back home 2 years ago this week, I had NO idea the stress and heartache that would follow in the next few years. I knew I would be processing the transition back to Phoenix and mourning the loss of my California life, but I didn’t know I was about to enter a season full of other storms and hard trials. I had no idea that my life would soon revolve around my own medical treatments for a new chronic illness diagnosis. I didn’t know I would unexpectedly lose my dream job and deal with my moms cancer diagnosis in the same year. But I guess I also didn’t know the amount of joy and small moments of happiness that would be scattered in among the mess. I didn't know I was about to meet some of the most influential people in my life or that I was going to gain lifelong friends who soon became more like family. I didn't know I would soon find a church that finally felt like home. I didn't know I was going to learn and grow so quickly at my job and become an integral part of such a respected team. I didn't know I was going to gain so many honorary nieces and nephews to love on and enjoy. Most of all, I didn't know how strong I was about to become as a result of the things thrown my way.I’d be lying if I said I didn’t question any of my decisions. I miss California, I miss my old job at CHOC, I miss my Orange County friends, I miss my cute house, my roommates, my second family, my favorite local pizza joint, the endless boba tea, and my beach dates with friends. I could go on for days about the number of things and people I miss there. I wonder almost every single day what "could have been" had I made different decisions and stayed at my job, stayed in Orange. Not ever having the privilege of knowing if I made the “right” choice gives me more anxiety than I can even articulate. Once home in Phoenix, I was repeatedly blindsided and left broken and confused- after following what I had felt was a true prompting from God. What was the "purpose" behind living through this pain? Why hadn’t I seen any of this coming? How could all of this happen so quickly and unexpectedly? But maybe that’s the whole point- maybe if I had the ability to see all of this coming I wouldn’t have been brave enough to jump headfirst into the storm.I'm thankful that this week, this year, I don't have any major life changing scary transitions happening - but also recognizing with a new understanding that I may not always see them coming, either. And maybe that's really part of the blessing too - if we all knew how difficult tomorrow and the next day and the next month would be, would we be willing to face the next day at all? Would we be brave enough to keep pressing through if we knew every single tragedy that lie in the near future? Maybe being left in the dark is, deep down, a survival tactic to force us to keep fighting, keep hoping, and keep loving.So this week, this year, I’m striving to be at peace with that- and to focus more on growing as a person than on the specific changes that have occurred and the changes that are inevitably still yet to come.