“Don’t fear your humanity. It is your best offering”

The past few months, I’ve been on and off social media more times than I can count. Because here’s the thing. I’m not always living an “instaworthy” life. I don’t always feel motivational, upbeat, and inspiring. I don’t always even believe that everything is going to turn out ok.

So naturally while reading the other day, this quote kind of rocked my world. What would our world look like if we all expected authenticity instead or perfection? What if being a good friend meant holding someone while they cry, driving over in the middle of the night, or calling to check in rather than “liking” their most recent post. What if being vulnerable with friends was no longer scary because honesty was the norm? What if being real was more “popular” than having it all together? What if when we asked friends “how are you?” we expected real, messy answers? What if these encounters brought friends closer together instead of giving us an easy opportunity to retreat?

This year, I want to learn to be real. I want to learn to care less about how many likes my post gets and care more about the people who surround me. I want to learn to feel worthy and loved regardless of my popularity. I want to learn that posting something on social media doesn’t mean you have to act like things are perfect. I want to learn how to be authentic and real and raw, regardless of the fear that friends will run in the opposite direction. I want to learn to be honest when people ask “how are you?” I want to learn to be okay with not being okay. I want to learn to love myself, with no filters, no captions, and no pretense. And for better or for worse, I want to learn to stop apologizing to friends for needing their help to carry me through-

All I can hope is that when their next trying season comes, my number will be the first one they dial in the middle of their darkest night.

2018- a move from resolutions to a revolution

"Three things last forever -faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love"

My word for 2018: L O V E.First and foremost, love for myself. A love so real and full that it effortlessly radiates from within me to those around me.

This means vulnerability with myself, and with those around me. Being willing to admit the struggles I’ve had and to work on improving myself rather than continuing to pretend these issues and flaws don’t exist. This means openness to sharing my struggles with the ones I love, but even more importantly, an openness to accepting love and support from others rather than turning away.

This means a dedication to showing love to other people in real ways with more actions than words- picking up the phone, writing a letter, showing up on the doorstep, helping with the kids, bringing a meal- all with the goal of helping others feel real love for themselves, too.

And most importantly, this means a commitment to learning to love myself in such a real way that I can actually believe I’m worthy of love from friends, family, and most of all, the One who created me to be just the way I am

Twenty 17

2017:

January: I bought my first car- yay for adult purchases! Celebrated Mom’s birthday, and just days later her successful surgery to remove her cancerous mass. Subsequently received news that the cancer is far more aggressive than we (and the oncologist) originally thought. Waited for the results of further pathology testing. Finally hung out with Zula, became fast friends with her awesome mama. Had the infamous parking lot cry with Amanda K, soon after, adopted her as an extra big sis.

February: First car accident (unfortunately far more than a fender bender), the day after Mom begins radiation treatment. Paige and Leigh were born and they along with their mom quickly became the biggest blessing of the year. Started a book club- yes I’m that type of nerd. Joyfully said yes to being Karen’s bridesmaid for her upcoming wedding. Celebrated the birth of sweet Henry - bring on the babes!

March: Child life month- my first as a full time specialist! Started publishing public blog posts about my passion for this work. Immediately got great feedback and decided to continue publishing my writing to inspire others. Mom started chemo due to aggressiveness of cancer as determined by genomic testing. Despite this, I decided to travel to SoCal for a break from the stress - and reunited with my long lost twin which was so overdue that we cried in a chili’s. While in CA, found out Amanda Q was pregnant- and struggled to keep such an exciting secret :) Mom was unexpectedly admitted to the hospital due to complications with chemo while I was out of town- talk about panic and anxiety! Meanwhile, struggled with my own chronic illness and decided it was time to get more aggressive and proactive with treatment.

April: Started a strict cardiac rehab program- 6 days a week of regimented cardio and strength training. Started to struggle with panic attacks and increased anxiety while my mom continued with chemo-and dealt with several unplanned ER trips for fevers and other complications. Became an honorary auntie and sister and spent tons of time with bonding with Chrissy and the kids.

May: Taylor’s bachelorette weekend in Scottsdale - so much fun! Continued with the 6-day a week commitment to cardiac rehab. Watched proudly from afar as my sister Lindsey officially became Dr. Hammerslag. Gave a presentation on pediatric emergency care to the ER team at Banner Del Webb. (pinch me!) Once again traveled to SoCal for a reprieve from life’s craziness- this time hunkering down in Oceanside for a long weekend. Felt incredibly thankful as Mom finished chemo- but also felt a whole new type of fear and panic for the future. Not quite the relief I had been hoping for.

June- Started going to Hillsong Church- immediately felt at home and was thankful to have an instant love for this church and it’s people. Found out Amanda K was expecting a bundle of joy come winter, and felt extra thankful for the blessings of all these babies around me. Had a quick trip up north to the cutest cabin to escape the heat- spent the whole time thanking God for the people in my life who had carried me through 6 months of craziness. Learned how to play dutch blitz on the deck of the cabin and life was never the same. Celebrated Jordan’s birthday with my first ever escape room, and renewed the lease on our condo. Worked in the ED on my birthday- was so spoiled and showered with love that it brought me to tears (happy this time!). Pretty much decided I would never leave tbird as it was the biggest blessing EVER. Had the most amazing dual birthday celebration with Chrissy and all our mutual friends - I waited 24 years to have a party that fun :). Welcomed Casey to the child life team and enjoyed my first annual tbird retreat. Thanked God every day for leading me to this hospital- for the child life team, for the medical team in the ED, and for how much I was enjoying every single day of work.

July- Took a break from Instagram to detox myself from the negativity of constant comparison. Celebrated sweet Mason’s first birthday with all my favorite people. Visited the autonomic specialist and was diagnosed with a second- different but related chronic illness (ehlers danlos syndrome). Learned I could no longer receive chiropractic care due to the danger inherent in this diagnosis. Still struggling with the original chronic illness (POTS), my Dr. decided it was time for the next step: weekly IV infusions. Started on home health, with nurses coming multiple times a week to put in an IV. Learned a whole lot about being a patient and about getting poked multiple times a week (sometimes multiple times a day). Learned how to do the infusions myself, usually letting them run overnight because my schedule was too busy to fit it in otherwise. In the meantime, didn’t really tell anyone because I was afraid of judgement or discrimination. The limitation on my activity lit a fire under my ass- I set my sights on running a 5k and started the couch to 5k program. Took a quick 48 hr SoCal trip to attend Karen’s beautiful bridal shower. At this point- my car is STILL being repaired, while I continue to struggle with headaches and neck pain from the accident.

August- Got my car back and was thankful - but also terrified of getting hit again. Home Health became more and more difficult to manage, so I started getting infusions at Tbird instead. Struggled to maintain my “secret” and keep the patient side of me separate from the employee. Celebrated Dean’s 3rd birthday. Went to a cabin up north with the Book Club and enjoyed relaxing for the weekend with everyone’s beautiful families. On my way to the cabin, found out there was a concern with a spot on Mom’s ovary- anxiety and panic came rushing back (or did it ever leave?). Went to San Diego and rented a beach house with Chrissy’s family- check that off the bucket list. Continued to run, though was often set back by quite a bit due to joint pain and issues with my ankles, knees, and hips (just another common complication of EDS).

September: Found out Mom was in the clear and cyst was benign. Was relieved, but at the same time I struggled to understand how I would deal with these "scares" long term. Logged back into Instagram. Karen’s wedding in SoCal- one more short trip! Loved celebrating answered prayers for love and happiness. Found out Nikki’s Mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer- heartbroken to have to bond over something like this. Optimistically went on a blind date- said “shit” and abruptly ended our could-be relationship. Was completely surprised when I was presented with an award at work- the “thunderbird promise” award for my work with a family and my impact on the ED. Felt like I had finally settled into the role and was feeling pretty damn proud of myself. Overheard an ED provider telling her residents about POTS, saying “anyone says they have that, you know they’re crazy before you walk in the room”. Wondered if I should ever share my perspective with this provider or any others- but was too scared.

October: Found out Leigh had a heart defect and would need inpatient surgery. Stocked up on hugs and snuggles and tearfully pleaded with God to protect her. Wished there was something I could do to save her from this. Celebrated from afar the birth of sweet Poppy. Found out sweet friend Holley was pregnant and was once again so lucky for the blessing of sweet babies. Realized October is Dysautonomia awareness month. I continued to struggle with my 2 autonomic function disorders and decided I was tired of keeping it a secret. If awareness and respect is what I want, it's time to share. Spur of the moment, decided to publish a blog post on my page about my diagnosis, and what it’s like to be a patient at the hospital you work at. Was amazed at the support I received. Heard from friends and strangers alike that my post really affected their life, was glad I was brave enough to share. Meanwhile, and honestly I’m still not sure if this timing was coincidental or not- was told by administration at tbird that there were concerns about my blog. Was told that there would be a formal investigation. About 48 hours later, was told that although these administrators had NOT personally seen any one of my posts during this investigation, I had officially lost the job due to privacy concerns. Was told to clean out my office and turn in my badge immediately. I never in my life have cried harder than I did in the parking lot that day- I sat in the car not knowing what to do or where to go. Meanwhile, I stopped getting IV infusions as I knew I would struggle emotionally with going back to tbird as a patient. After a week of debating back and forth and getting dozens of opinions, I filed an appeal through HR, feeling that the decision was neither justified nor appropriate. Immediately started looking for work and tried to figure out the future. 48 hours later, I was hired by my first client as an overnight newborn care specialist. Worked with this newborn for 5 weeks and in the meantime, enrolled in an online NCS Class. Traveled to Big Bear days before Halloween to try to escape for a while and to finally meet sweet Poppy- but was completely devastated when I found out my appeal had been denied while I was there. Drove back to Arizona terrified of what the next few months would look like. Struggled with the news all over again- despite my attempt to guard my heart, the appeal had left me with some hope. But now I was just left to wonder: Where do I go from here? Why did this happen? How did I do this to myself?! Am I even supposed to be a child life specialist? I was so sure God's plan had led here, so now what is God's plan for my life?

November: attended Desi’s wedding, and saw many tbird friends for the first time since mid October- bittersweet to say the least. Realizing that people were the only thing getting me through the year, I focused on being thankful for one person each day. Celebrated the release of Taylor Swift new music- finally something exciting! Randomly had a dream about being a cheer coach and realized the timing was right to finally pursue that passion. Celebrated a quiet thanksgiving at my parents house- for obvious reasons, struggled to be truly thankful. Throughout the month, really struggled with forgiving myself for what had happened at work, feeling like I had ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. Went to the doctor with some new health concerns - was told all was due to stress. Humbly realized I was probably dealing with depression for the first time in my 24 years of life. Celebrated Chrissy’s move to a new house, and spent tons of time hanging out there as it was a huge reprieve from my stress. Continued to train for a 5k, but quickly realized my dreams of running one in December were drifting away -the lack of my regularly scheduled IV hydration really affected what I could handle. Found out sweet Holley is having another BOY and enjoyed celebrating with her. Continued to work on my Newborn Care Specialist certification while actively searching for clients. Enjoyed welcoming Ashley’s return to Phoenix and loved celebrating Caroline’s 5th birthday. Interviewed for a job at a cheer gym. Struggled to come to terms with any sort of new identity... if I'm not a child life specialist am I anything at all?

December: Gratefully accepted a job as an all star cheer coach, and quickly felt as though my life was turning around. Was so excited to be back in the gym, and quickly bonded with the other coaches and all of the sweet cheerleaders. The first thing that felt "right" in some time. Started painting ornaments as economical Christmas gifts for friends and family- was quickly encouraged to post them for sale. Went WAY outside my creative comfort zone, but ended up selling 100 ornaments and was thankful for this financial provision. Still had a lot of trouble processing what had happened at work. Accepting a job at tbird was the best testimony I ever felt as far as following God’s guidance and going where I “felt called”. So much so that I got chills every time I told anyone the story of how I came to work there. I struggled to understand why such tough things had happened if I was where I was "supposed" to be? I struggled to feel any sort of pride over the few personal victories of the year - feeling so overshadowed by shame and guilt. Finally made the decision to be vulnerable enough to go see a professional counselor- realizing how much I needed help processing the devastation over the year. My poor friends had been unofficial counselors for the past few months and out of guilt, decided it was time to let them just be friends, and not therapists. Hosted our second annual sweater party and shared lots of laughs with lots of friends. Celebrated sister Christmas with Chrissy and found out about a surprise upcoming spring trip to San Francisco- more exciting than I can describe. Enjoyed having all siblings and extended family in town for Christmas- while still feeling bittersweet about the way the year had played out. Spent most of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day thinking about the fact that I was scheduled to work those days. Enjoyed my first Christmas Eve service at Hillsong. Loved spending time with my Niece, Anna, who I hadn't seen in a whole year. Went out of my comfort zone again to apply for a child life job - prayed that if it was Gods will it would work out and if it wasn’t, it wasn’t. Was terrified of making decisions and prayed for clear guidance. Was quickly informed that they were pursuing other candidates, and while heartbroken, was simultaneously thankful for these clearly answered prayers. Eagerly looked forward to Amanda K having her baby in just a few days- and we still don’t know if it’s a boy or girl! Spent the month looking towards 2018 with more questions than answers and more fears than hopes. _

So yeah, what's the most important thing I did this year? Survived. Chose to live and to keep fighting every day. And that's going to have to be enough for now. I have no idea where I will be a year from now, where I will be working, or who I will identify as. I can only hope that I have a lot of things to look forward to in 2018- they say that an unknown future just means infinite possibilities.

365.

365 days. 525,600 minutes. It’s amazing and terrifying how quickly life can change. I remember it clearly - that it was a Friday night, that we were in the parking lot of Portillos, and that for a moment I thought I might have to get out of the car to throw up.Nothing in life prepares you for hearing the words “I have cancer”, especially if they come from your mom and your best friend. Your confidant, role model, your comforter, your HERO. Who, I might add, was “perfectly healthy” until this very moment.The days and weeks that followed (and most of the year, honestly) were absolute hell. I remember that some days felt so hard and so long that I wasn’t sure they would ever end. I remember thinking that the seemingly endless string of bad news and scary test results were coming so fast that I couldn’t finish processing one before the next wave came and knocked me down. I remember wondering if my prayers were ever going to be heard or answered. I remember feeling so paralyzed with fear that I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to live fully and freely again. I remember desperately wishing for the world to stop turning while I tried to catch my footing again. I remember counting down the days until treatment ended- only to realize the new kind of panic and heartache that comes with the end of treatment. I remember feeling guilty for having such a hard time with this- for needing so much from other people. I remember telling everyone I was fine when I wasn't, because I didn't want them to run away. I remember trying to convince myself to "suck it up", knowing that other families go through much worse. Above all, I remember thinking that I surely wasn’t strong enough to do this, but being thankful that she was.Here we are, exactly a year later, and with greatful hearts we celebrate that my mom is cancer free. We’re thankful that this is in the past, set to become but a memory.Yet somehow i struggle to “move on” and i find myself expecting life to go back to “normal” with the passing of each day - maybe failing to recognize this IS our new normal. I find myself wondering if the paralyzing fear will last forever, rather than fade away as I once had hoped. Maybe this isn't something we can just "put behind us" because maybe it has become a part of who we are.Our family and my heart are changed forever, and I’m working everyday on moving towards the future with more bravery, less fear, and tons of love. So here’s to 365 more trips around the sun- together.If you’re a praying friend, I humbly ask for your continued prayers. For restoration of family relationships, for hope for the future, and for my ever fearful heart. Love you all.

As an aside, but on a related note- please, share with your loved ones that EARLY DETECTION SAVES LIVES! It's not just an ad campaign- it's real life. Because my mom had no family history and was generally "low risk" the official recommendation was to get a mammogram every 3 Years. She opted for yearly, just to be safe. Her cancer was found incredibly early, which is a huge blessing because her tumor was a grade 3- as aggressive and fast growing as they come. Did you know a mammogram can detect a tumor up to TWO YEARS before any lump might be felt? TWO YEARS?!? It horrifies me to think what could have happened in those 2-3 years if my mom had opted out of the annual mammogram due to her "low risk".Modern medicine is great, and the God we serve us even greater.